Baseball is back - except in Pittsburgh

Spring is here (well except in beautiful western PA where it's still snowing) and with it the beginning of baseball season. While Major League Baseball has fallen behind the NFL in terms of attendance and television ratings, there is something about watching baseball on a beautiful summer day that appeals to all of us. To steal a line from Field of Dreams: "The one constant through all the years has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game: it's a part of our past. It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again." The only thing that can't be good again is the Pittsburgh Pirates baseball team. They say that in baseball spring brings hope for every team. Every team that isn't located in Pittsburgh. Last year, the Pirates set an all-time record for American professional sports as they suffered their 18th consecutive losing season. Perhaps as sure as death and taxes, this year will be losing season number 19. While this is bad enough, there is little evidence that the Pirates are making even the slightest steps towards improvement. So, as baseball season begins and fans of most teams look for a competitive season, I'm here to show all of us unfortunate enough to live in Pirates territory why this season may actually be one of the worst in the two decade long run of incompetence. Let the hilarious, pathetic, yet true tales of these Pirates begin. Here are some 100% true statistics about last year's Pirates.

- There are 30 teams that play major league baseball. These are the Pirates' rankings in the major offensive categories from last season: 29th in runs scored, 29th in batting average, 28th in on-base percentage, 25th in home runs, and 29th in hits.

- Not to be out done, here are the Pirates pitching and fielding rankings among the 30 teams: 30th in earned runs allowed, 30th in batting average against, and 30th in fielding percentage. That's right, dead last in every major pitching and defensive statistic.

- No Pirates pitcher recorded 10 wins last season. Pirates starting pitchers combined for 34 wins. 34 total wins for starting pitchers was the worst total for any major league team since 1952.

- Last season was the 4th consecutive year the Pirates finished dead last in the division.

-The team's final record last year was 57-105. Those 105 losses were the 2nd most since the Pittsburgh Pirates began playing baseball. The Pittsburgh Pirates began playing baseball in 1891 which means last year was the 2nd worst team in 119 years.

With all of these indisputable facts and stats from last year, one would think the organization would make some changes to improve the chances of this year's team. I mean, that's what any reasonable management team would do. Alas, we are talking about the Pirates. Here are the steps the team took this off-season to improve on the 2nd worst team in 119 years.

- The Pirates will return 7 of the 8 position players from last year. The same position players that finished in the bottom of the league in batting average, hits, runs, and home runs. They're all back. The only addition: 34-year-old 1st baseman Lyle Overbay. Old Lyle hit .240 last year which was worse than the other 7 returning guys. So to recap this, the Pirates had arguably the worst offense in all of Major League Baseball last season finishing in the bottom 3 in every major batting statistic. To solve this problem, they bring back all of the same players except for 1 new guy, who was worse than the guys who were already there.

- As bad as the offensive numbers were last year, the pitching numbers listed above were worse. We already discussed that the Pirates starting pitchers combined for fewer wins than any team since 1952. To address this need, the ol' Buccos brought back 4 of the 5 starters from last year.

- The lone change to the starting rotation is 30-year-old Kevin Correia. Correia lost 10 games last year and had an ERA of 5.40. That ERA is worse than 3 of the terrible starting pitchers that the Pirates already had who contributed to the worst starting rotation in all of baseball. So, like the offense, the Pirates decided to address a weakness by bringing all the same weak parts back except for the addition of an even weaker part.

- Correia has been named the opening day starter and ace of the rotation. This is ESPN.com scouting report for him word for word, "Correia is exactly the type of pitcher who is good enough to hold down a regular rotation spot for one of the game's weaker teams, but would have to settle for a relief role on a better squad." I did not see opening day starter or best pitcher in the rotation mentioned anywhere there.

- Ross Ohlendorf started 21 games for the Pirates last year and compiled a record of 1-11. This off-season he was given a $1.5 million raise.

- Charlie Morton started 17 games for the Pirates last year and lost 12 of them. His ERA was 7.57 which was dead last in all of Major League Baseball.

- Both Ohlendorf and Morton will be regular starters in the Pirates' rotation this year.

Ok, so the Pirates franchise as a whole has no idea what they're doing as far as building a successful team on the field. I mean their strategy seems to be keep all the terrible players they already have and add to them only players who have proven to be even more terrible. But, surely being in the professional sports profession, the people running the organization know how to run a business, right?

- Despite their history of suckiness, the beginning of the season is the one time when the Pirates organization can fool some of their more delusional fans that they may be competitive. Therefore, this should be the one (albeit only) time of the season when they theoretically shouldn't have as much trouble getting fans to the park as the team has not yet had enough time to drop to the bottom of the standings. BUT....this season, the 2nd home game of the entire year, on a Friday night, the team is having Buc Night where tickets are on sale for $1. The second home game of the entire year on a weekend night, and they have to resort to $1 tickets.

- The Pirates routinely have the lowest payroll in the entire league. This is to be expected. What's not to be expected? Paying the highest salary on the team to 30-year-old catcher who hit .207 last season which was the worst among regular position players.

- Every single Friday night home game this season the Pirates will be giving away free T-shirts. The Pirates will have a fireworks show after a Saturday night game 10 times this summer. 4 of these fireworks shows will be accompanied by concerts by groups such as the Steve Miller Band and Huey Lewis and the News. Seriously. So all summer weekend games, which most teams sellout without any issue, the Pirates will be luring fans with either a T-shirt, fireworks, or a washed up band (Sorry, Heuy). This isn't bad business, you know since the club can't draw fans based on the play on the field, it's just sad.

- And finally perhaps the most preposterous statement from the mismanagement group that runs the most depressing organization in professional sports. This past February, Pirates team president Frank Coonelly was giving an interview with PiratesProspects.com when he was asked a question about whether the team, notoriously cheap with their players, would be willing to raise payroll if the young players on the team developed into stars worth paying to keep. Here is the EXACT exchange:

Pirates prospects: "Would the Pirates be able to afford a $70M to $80M payroll, in present-day worth, if this current group of players were competitive enough to merit additional outside free agents?"

Coonelly: "Today, no, but we will be able to support that payroll very soon if our fans believe that we now have a group of players in Pittsburgh and on its way here in the near future that is competitive. We need to take a meaningful step forward in terms of attendance to reach that payroll number while continuing to invest heavily in our future, but I am convinced that the attendance will move quickly once we convince our fans that we are on the right track.’"

So, the team president of the Pirates says the team won't invest more money to get and keep better players unless more fans come to watch the bad players. He doesn't think the organization should build a better team that fans would want to come watch. He thinks fans should support the joke of a product, then they will build a better team. This is not how business works. This would be like a restaurant telling its customers "We know our food sucks, but you need to come buy it so that we can make money. Then, we'll buy better ingredients and hire better cooks, so the food will be better." Not only is this the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard, it's insulting to me as a potential customer.

Here's what I have to say to you, Frank. Kiss my ass. I'll no doubt go to a few games, tailgate, enjoy the weather and the river scenery, but there's no way I'll spend a dime on a ticket. I hope all of you enjoy opening day, dream of spring and the warmth of summer, and know that, in the city that boasts the most Super Bowl championships and 3 Stanley Cups, the Pirates will continue to be the laughingstock of professional sports.