Thankful for Football

Football season is flying along. Thanksgiving is just around the corner, so it seems like a good time to take a look at what every NFL team has to be thankful for. Even teams without a single win like the Colts and teams from that hell-hole of a city, Cleveland, can find something they can be thankful for during this special holiday season.

NY Giants - They can be thankful that none of their players got shot in the nightclub this week. There was a shooting at a club that a bunch of Giants were partying at Monday night. You'd think after the whole Plaxico-gun-jail thing that this team would stay away from New York nightclubs.

Eagles - They should be thankful that they don't have to deal with any more of that "Dream Team" stuff that people were talking about at the beginning of the season. I mean when you've lost twice as many games as you've won it's more of a nightmare than a dream.

Redskins - They can thank all of our elected officials in Congress for making sure that terrible Redskins' football is only the 2nd most embarrassing and ineffective thing in our nation's capital. (Boom! political joke.)

Cowboys - They have to be thankful for finding rookie running back DeMarco Murray. They grabbed him in the 3rd round of last year's draft and after some injuries forced him into the lineup, Murray has ran for 600 yards in the last 4 games while averaging almost 7 yards per carry.

Packers - They're probably thankful that they're better than everyone else. They're 9-0, and 5 of those wins were by double digits.

Lions - Detroit is probably just thankful for QB Matt Stafford not getting hurt yet. It probably won't last, but it's nice for now.

Vikings - They're thankful that Adrian Peterson hasn't just quit yet. He's the most talented running back in the league, but the rest of his team sucks. I can see him going Spike from Little Giants on his pathetic teammates soon.

Bears - Chicago wants to give thanks to the schedule makers. They only have 2 games left against teams with winning records, and one of those is just the Raiders. I like the Bears playoff chances.

Saints - They're most thankful for Atlanta coach Mike Smith who handed the Saints a game and probably the division by going for it on 4th and 1 on his own 25 yard line last week. Atlanta didn't get it, New Orleans got the ball, won the game, and might have sealed the division crown.

Falcons - They have to be thankful that Mike Smith probably won't ever go for it on 4th down in his own territory in overtime every again.

Bucs - They might be playing pretty terribly lately, and they will lose to the Packers this week, but atleast they can be thankful that they live and Florida and don't have to worry about snow.

Panthers - Carolina is thankful for the Colts because they make the Panthers just the 2nd worst team in the league. So yeah, they could be having a worse year I guess.

49ers - They have to be thankful that people actually think they're a good team even though they've only defeated 3 teams with a winning record and they've won those games by a combined 18 points. I say they're the worst 8-1 team in NFL history.

Seahawks - They're thankful for playing in the NFC West where their 3-6 record has them in 2nd place.

Cardinals - They have to be thankful that they didn't give up a Pro Bowl cornerback plus a 2nd round draft pick in a trade for QB Kevin Kolb, who has as many interceptions as touchdowns and has missed the last 2 games because he's a sissy. Oh wait, they did give up a Pro Bowl defender and a 2nd round pick for him. Oops.

Rams - St. Louis is thankful that the baseball St. Louis Cardinals won the World Series this year, so the fans are still celebrating that and can't be too upset that the football team sucks.

Pats - More than any other year, they have to be extra thankful for Tom Brady. He's been the only thing that has kept them at the top of the AFC. They don't have a running game, and half of their defense is made up of guys they just signed last week.

Bills - They're thankful that they play in Buffalo, where the fans don't expect much from them. In a lot of cities, starting out 4-1 then going 1-3 with the last two losses coming by a combined 53 points would cause fans to get a little upset. In Buffalo, they're just glad the team hasn't moved to Toronto yet.

Jets - A lot to be thankful for here. Plaxico hasn't gone back to jail yet. Mark Sanchez hasn't left the team to join a Mexican soap opera. And, coach Rex Ryan hasn't eaten anyone yet. All good things.

Dolphins - Miami is thankful that Kim Kardashian got divorced. Ever since that reality skank filed for divorce, the Dolphins have won their only 2 games of the year, and Kim's former boyfriend Reggie Bush has led the way. He had 0 rushing touchdowns before Kim filed for divorce, and he has 3 in the two weeks since. Obviously he's trying to impress her, and his extra motivation has been the Dolphins gain.

Steelers - The Steelers have to be thankful for currently being in 1st place despite the fact that Rashard Mendenhall, Hines Ward, Emmanuel Sanders, Doug Legarsky, Aaron Smith, Brett Kiesel, James Harrison, James Farrior, Lamar Woodley, and Casey Hampton have all missed games due to injury.

Ravens - Obviously, they're thankful for beating the Steelers twice because the division is going to come down to those two teams, and they have the tiebreaker now.

Bengals - The Bengals were thankful for not having to face either the Steelers or the Ravens for the first two and a half months of the season which allowed them to jump out to first place in the AFC North. Unfortunately, the Steelers beat them last week, the Ravens will beat them this week, the Steelers will beat them again in two weeks, and they will fall back to third place in the division where they belong. 

Browns - With the NBA season about to get cancelled, LeBron James won't be on TV in Miami making Clevelanders even more depressed about their place in the world. So they have that to be thankful for.

Texans - The bad people in Houston are thankful for an injury. They can't be thanking the heavens enough that Peyton Manning got hurt and pretty much handed the Texans the division title.

Titans - They're probably thankful for giving their star running back Chris Johnson a huge new contract, he he could almost have 500 yards and 2 whole touchdowns through 9 games. It could be worse, he could've developed polio.



Atleast Chris Johnson isn't playing
in this league.

Jags - Jacksonville is just thankful for being allowed to stay in the NFL. There isn't a team that is less interesting or less cared about by everyone than the Jags. They're more boring than a high jump contest at a cripple convention. And yes, that was back-to-back disabled people jokes. Sorry.

Colts - They have to give many thanks for having Peyton Manning get hurt for the first time in 14 years happening in the season that the best QB prospect since Peyton is going to be in the draft. The Colts will have the worst record in the league, and the Colts will draft Andrew Luck with the first pick of the draft to take over for Manning and give the Colts 30 straight years of great quarterbacks.

Raiders - They're thankful that their new QB Carson Palmer has a history of getting hurt and retiring because his awful play is the one thing holding them back.

Chargers - San Diego has to be thankful for being in such a bad division that they can continue to lose games they shouldn't and still be in perfect position to win the division.

Chiefs - With their starting QB hurt indefinitely, Kansas City is thankful to have a backup QB as awesome as Tyler Palko. Yes, the same Tyler Palko who starred at Pitt and said the F word on national TV after beating Notre Dame. He may not be a great quarterback, but he's one bad-ass dude. Don't believe me, check out his website.

Broncos - Like everyone else on this earth, they're just thanking God for the existence of Tim Tebow.

Manly Man of the Week - Fauja Singh

You might not know who this guy is, but trust me, he is a manly man. Mr. Singh is 100 years old and became the oldest person ever to finish a marathon. That's right, this 100-year-old man finished a 26.2 mile marathon held in Toronto this past weekend. What's even better? He beat 5 other people. Can you imagine the jokes those people are getting after losing a marathon to a guy who was born in 1911? In all seriousness, running an entire marathon at age 100 is one of the most awesome and manly things I've ever heard of. Although, I think I hate this guy because he makes me feel really crappy about my own level of physical fitness.

NFL Week 9

It's Week 9 in the NFL, and that means we're over halfway through the season. In the first half of the season, we've seen some interesting things. The Packers are still undefeated. The Dolphins and Colts still haven't won. The Bengals have followed a red-headed quarterback to a 5-2 record. The Bills, yes the Buffalo Bills, are ahead of the Patriots in the AFC East. The 49ers lead the NFC West at 6-1, while the rest of the division is a combined 4-17. There's been a good half and a bad half. Let's look at each team's good and bad from the first half of the season.

NY Giants
Good Half - They're 5-2 and lead the NFC East while no other team in the division has a winning record.
Bad Half - They lost a home game to a 2-win Seattle team. That can't be a good sign.

Eagles
Good Half - They've won 2 straight and are in top of the league in almost every offensive category.
Bad Half - They're just 1-3 in games decided by 7 points or less and have blown 4th quarter leads in 3 of their 4 losses.

Cowboys
Good Half - Their 4 losses have come to the Jets, Lions, Pats, and Eagles - all likely playoff teams.
Bad Half - At 3-4, making the playoffs is going to be difficult.

Redskins
Good Half - They started out the year 3-1 and in first place in the division.
Bad Half - They've now lost 3 straight, and a guy named John Beck is their quarterback.

Packers
Good Half - The Pack is 7-0 and seem to be the clear Super Bowl favorite.
Bad Half - Aaron Rodgers grew a terrible mustache this season. That's about the only bad thing that has happened to Green Bay so far.

Lions
Good Half - Detroit is 6-2 and in position to make the playoffs for the 1st time since the Great Depression.
Bad Half - They can't run or stop the run, and old men say that's how you win in the playoffs.

Bears
Good Half - QB Jay Cutler hasn't cussed out his coach on the field in over a week.
Bad Half - They won't catch the Packers, they may not catch the Lions, and they have to play Philly, Detroit, San Diego, Oakland, and Kansas City in the next 5 weeks. That's a tough stretch.

Vikings
Good Half - Adrian Peterson is still awesome. So they've got that going for them.
Bad Half - The trade for Donovan McNabb worked horribly, and they have no chance to make the playoffs this year.

Saints
Good Half - The Saints are in first place in the NFC South, and Drew Brees has them leading the league in passing yards.
Bad Half - The just lost to the Rams, and Drew Brees in 2nd in the league in interceptions thrown.

Bucs
Good Half - At 4-3, Tampa is still in the hunt for a playoff spot.
Bad Half - They play the Saints, Texans, and Packers in the next 3 weeks, combined record of 17-6.

Falcons
Good Half - Same as the Bucs, still in the hunt for the playoffs at 4-3.
Bad Half - Only 1 of their 4 wins has come against a team with a winning record, so I don't know how serious of a contender they can be if they can't beat good teams. But, they'd be big favorites in the Arena Football league.

Panthers
Good Half - Cam Newton has been better than anyone could have expected. He's 2nd in the league is passing yards and can definitely be a franchise quarterback.
Bad Half - Everything else.

49ers
Good Half - San Fran is 6-1 and has a 4 game lead on the rest of the pathetic NFC West.
Bad Half - Are they really going to make a Super Bowl run when their passing game depends on Alex Smith throwing to guys like Josh Morgan and Delanie Walker?

The rest of the NFC West - Seahawks (2-5), Cardinals (1-6) & Rams (1-6)
Good Half - One of these 3 teams has to finish in second place in the division.
Bad Half - They all still have to play the 2nd half of the season.

Bills
Good Half - Buffalo is in 1st place in the AFC East ahead of New England. What is this 1993?
Bad Half - Buffalo is a depressing city, and if anyone can blow this lead it'll be the Bills.

Pats
Good Half - The Pats are 5-2 and will stay at the top of the AFC for the rest of the season.

Bad Half - The Steelers just showed how to slow down that pansy Brady, and a-hole Belichick seems to lost a little bit of his magic touch.

Jets
Good Half - The Jets have a winning record, and 2 of their 3 losses were to the Pats and Ravens, which are respectable losses.
Bad Half - They haven't won a road game yet, and they have only beaten 1 team with a winning record.

Dolphins
Good Half - The season is halfway over.
Bad Half - They still have half the season left to play.

Steelers
Good Half -  They finally beat the Pats, lead the division, and have shown flashes of being one of the most explosive offenses in the league.
Bad Half - Hines Ward, Aaron Smith, James Harrison, Lamar Woodley, James Farrior, Casey Hampton, and every offensive lineman on the roster is hurt.

Ravens
Good Half - They have a big win over the Steelers and should be in the division race until the end.
Bad Half - Baltimore lost to the Jags and fell behind by over 20 points to the Cards before squeaking by for the win. Struggling with Jacksonville and Arizona is not something a good team should do.

Bengals
Good Half - Somehow with a rookie QB, rookie star wideout, and a history of sucking, Cincinnati is tied with the Ravens for 2nd place in the division.
Bad Half - The Bengals still have to play the Steelers and Ravens twice apiece which could cause their season to come crashing back to earth.

Browns
Good Half - Even at 3-4 and in last place, those 3 wins make them the current most successful franchise in Cleveland.
Bad Half - Those 3 wins have come against Miami, Indy, and Seattle. So, they really shouldn't count.

Texans
Good Half - Houston is leading the division and looks like they will finally get over the hump and make the playoffs for 1st time in franchise history.
Bad Half - Aside from their win over the Steelers, Houston hasn't exactly beaten up on good teams.

Titans
Good Half - Tennessee has a winning record, which most people didn't expect.
Bad Half - They just paid Chris Johnson a ton of money, and he promptly stopped being good.

Jags
Good Half - They may have found a good young quarterback to build around in Blaine Gabbert

Bad Half - That good young quarterback looks like the gay quarterback from Remember the Titans.

Colts
Good Half - If they continue to be this bad and don't win a single game, they might get the 1st draft pick next year and be able to get QB Andrew Luck, who experts are calling the best QB prospect since Peyton Manning. If he's that good, they could go on a 30-year streak of having the league's best QB.
Bad Half - Besides Manning, the rest of the Colts must feel like garbage. They have almost the entire same team back from last year's playoff team, and now that can't win 1 game.

Chiefs
Good Half - They're on a 4-game win streak, just beat the rival Chargers, and could win the division again.
Bad Half - They started the year on a 3-game losing streak in which they were outscored by a total of 109-27.

Chargers
Good Half - San Diego is tied for the division lead and is in the top of the league in almost every major statistical category.

Bad Half - All of those things mentioned above were also true last year when they missed the playoffs. Also, their crybaby QB Philip Rivers fumbled a snap to lose the game last week.

Raiders
Good Half - For the first time in years, they have a legitimate shot at winning the division.
Bad Half - Oakland decided their savior at QB would be Carson Palmer. They traded multiple 1st round draft picks for him. In his first game, he completed 8-21 passes for 0 TDS and 3 INTs.

Broncos
Good Half - They have won 2 games. They've also sold a ton of Tim Tebow jersey that will be on Goodwill shelves in 2 years.
Bad Half - Everything else. They can't play defense. Tebow throws like a girl. Bad times all around.

MANLY MAN of THE WEEK - Jamaal Bass

You might be wondering who Jamaal Bass is. Let me tell you. Bass is a redshirt freshman linebacker at Northern Illinois. What did he do to become Manly Man of the Week? Well, Northern Illinois played a nationally televised game against Toledo Tuesday night. While running onto the field before the game with his teammates, the Toledo marching band got in Jamaal's way. Those trumpet carrying nancy-boys learned that you don't get in Jamaal's way, especially if your a member of the opponents band. Jamaal jumped into the air and delivered a flying elbow to a member of Toledo's band knocking the band member to the gorund. Now, Jamaal was suspended for next week's game for his actions. His university apparently did not appreciate him beating up opposing teams' bands. However, he showed that he meant business Tuesday night, and if you got in his way, whether you were Toledo's quarterback, running back, or tuba player, there was going to be hell to pay. And, let's be honest, those band kids don't get picked on enough. The jocks need to rough them up a little bit from time to time, so the band doesn't walk around like they own the school.