s are by a touchdown or less including close losses to the playoff-bound Patriots, Steelers, Ravens, and Bears. If they got that 1 TD headstart they could be 11-2 and headed for a deep playoff run. As it is now, they have one of the worst records in the league and not much left to play for. On the bright side, they do have the quarterback with the best nickname in the league as Ryan Fitzpatrick has earned himself the nickname "The Amish Rifle" thanks to his awesome manly beard and his cannon arm(well maybe not cannon but you get the picture). New England Patriots - Jonas Brothers concert tickets
What do you get the team that seems to have everything? They don't se
em to need anything football related as they've won 5 straight and have won their last 3 by an average of over 30 points. So, they've decided to take care of their stars and with Justin Beiber-haircutted Tom Brady and running back sensation/possible 15-year-old Danny Woodhead leading the team, the Pats have decided to treat their stars by getting them tickets to their favorite band. 
ot winning 5 of their first 6 mostly in impressive fashion. However, as the season dragged along the beat 3 of the worst teams in the league (Cleveland, Houston, and Detroit) by 3 points each. Now, in the last 2 weeks they have lost to the Pats and Dolphins while scoring a combined 9 points. They have been dropping passes, playing with little emotion, and performing below their abilities. Well, lack of concentration, fatigue, low energy, and poor performances in everyday activities are signs of malnutrition. Could a team of professional athletes really be malnourished? Well take a look at their coach you tell me who's eating all the foot at the team facility. Trust me, get the Jets players some food and they'll start playing much better right away.Really, the Cowboys would settle of an average defense at this point because their defense this year has been atrocious. They've given up 30 points in 7 of their last 10 games. They've given up the 2nd most points in the league this season. Another way to look at it: In the 50 year history of the Dallas Cowboys, the team had only allowed a 200-yard receiver twice. This season in the month of December the Cowboys have allowed a 200-yard receiver twice.
New York Giants - Work release for Plaxico Burress
The Giants are in a good spot to either win their division or grab a wildcard spot, but if they want to make any serious run at the Super Bowl they need help at receiver. This week the team announced WR Steve Smith is out for the year. That makes him the 5th Giants' WR to suffer a season-ending injury. Now, it's highly unlikely the Giants could get Burress a work release out of prison (remember the dummy went to jail for bringing a gun into a nightclub and accidentally shooting himself in the leg), so they might have to break him out. If they just move Jimmy Hoffa's body and dig a tunnel under Giants Stadium, they just might be able to get Plaxico out of jail and in a Giants uniform (under a fake name of course) in time for the playoffs.
Philadelphia Eagles - A new puppy
Just for Mike Vick. We'll see how rehabilitated he really is.
Washington Redskins - Free session with Dr. Phil
The Redskins are just one big soap opera. They've suspended their best defensive player, Albert Haynesworth, for the rest of the season after months of public fighting between Haynesworth and Coach Mike Shannahan. First, Albert came into the season out of shape and Shannahan called him out to reporters. Then, Haynesworth complained about the team's defensive system. Then, he was benched for poor practice habits. Shannahan has also had an interesting relationship with QB Donovan McNabb. He benched McNabb during the 4th quarter of a close game and explained it at different times as being due to McNabb being out of shape, McNabb being hurt, and McNabb not knowing the plays. The team then signed McNabb to a huge contract extension before the next game. Now, Shannahan said this week he won't comment on who is starting for the team at any position. Dr. Phil could have a whole holiday special around this team.
Denver Broncos - A clue
This team is a mess. The hire a young coach, and give him way too much power. The coach trades the team's starting QB and best WR, and is fired a year later. The new coach takes over last week and loses to one of the other worst teams in the league, Arizona, by 30 points. Oh boy.
Kansas City Chiefs - Arrowhead Stadium on wheels
The Chiefs are undefeated at home at Arrowhead Stadium, but they are far less successful on the road. For evidence, the beat the Chargers by a touchdown at home and lost to the Chargers 31-0 on the road. The also lost to the pathetic Broncos by 20 on the road. If they could just get some wheels on their stadium and take it with them wherever they go, they just might have something.
Oakland Raiders - Anti-aging Cream
The Raiders have always been an organization that revolves around their outspoken owner Al Davis, so for Christmas they want a present just for Davis. Davis could really use something because the man is looking old. I mean really old. Actually, on second thought, this might not be a good gift idea because there is a chance Davis is already dead. Seriously, he might be dead.
San Diego Chargers - A new coach
It's really only a matter of time until Norv screws up another Chargers season. San Diego is always touted as one of the most talented teams in the league before every season. They always underachieve. They always blow it in the playoffs. Norv has won 4 playoff games in 14 years. The Chargers have outscored every team in the AFC besides the Pats, yet they're 7-6. If you type "Norv Turner" into Google "Norv Turner fired" is the 3rd most popular search. That's not good.
NFC West Division - To combine all four teams into one professional team
In an interesting move, the St. Louis Rams, Arizona Cardinals, Seattle Seahawks, and San Francisco 49ers decided to pool all of their good deeds from the year and ask Santa to allow them to join forces for Christmas. They need it because they're all terrible. Unfortunately for the NFL one of these teams has to make the playoffs. As of now, the Rams and Seahawks are tied for the division lead at 6-7. The Cardinals are not mathematically out of it at 4-9. Every team in this division has been outscored on the season. Combined they have 21 wins, and 9 of them are from beating each other. Now, if they were allowed to combine all of their players, they might have a shot at winning a playoff game.
Baltimore Ravens - An Ernie from Sesame Street doll
The Ravens have had a pretty successful season so far. Their only shortcoming
s have been when the offense needs to make a play in a close game. QB Joe Flacco has been especially unimpressive in big moments. How would a Sesame Street Ernie doll help this? Maybe Flacco would be more comfortable in big moments if his roommate were there to cheer him on.
Pittsburgh Steelers - BubbleWrap
With the horrible state their offensive line is in and the fact that Big Ben holds the ball longer than any sane QB, the team wants some BubbleWrap to protect their QB for the rest of the season. Ben has already had his nose broken and taken numerous other shots to the head, which can't be making him any smarter. I mean seriously, the guy acts like he never knows what routes his receivers are running. He drops back and pump fakes 14 times then runs around until he sees someone open. I'm convinced he is too stupid to remember any of the plays which is why he looks like he never knows where anybody is going and where to throw the ball. BubbleWrap will alteast help him survive the season.
Cleveland Browns - A new city
The city of Cleveland is cursed. I don't know what those people at the Mistake by the Lake did, but they are definitely cursed. The Browns were bad for 40 years, left town, and immediately won a Super Bowl in the new city. Cleveland got a new Browns team that has been terrible for over a decade again. Throw in the Cleveland Indian baseball disasters, the Cavs history of sucking, and the recent kick to the groin their hometown hero LeBron gave them, and it is clear the city is never going to produce a winner. But if the Browns leave town, they'll probably win a Super Bowl in 3 years.
Cincinnati Bengals - NFL rule changes
The Bengals have lost 10 games in a row. They can't do much of anything right. Playing especially terrible is QB Carson Palmer. Not only has he thrown 18 interceptions already this year, but 5 of them have been returned for touchdowns. I don't know what the record is, but throwing 5 INTs that were returned for TDs in a single season has to be close to the most ever. Now, if the Bengals got their Christmas wish and got a rule change that would award them some points for Palmer throwing a pass that resulted in a TD, they might have won a few more games. Also a rule that gave teams extra points for each player on their roster that has a reality show would greatly benefit the Bengals.
Chicago Bears - For QB Jay Cutler to dump his girlfriend
This might be a little personal, but I understand why the Bears want their QB to ditch his girlfriend. Cutler has been dating Kristen Cavallari from The Hills which is bad news for Chicago. Football players don't flourish until they get rid of their celebrity girlfriends. Tony Romo didn't win a playoff game until he got rid of Jessica Simpson. Reggie Bush won the Super Bowl when split with Kim Kardashian. If they Bears want to make a run at a championship this year, Cutler needs to get single quick.
Detroit Lions - A permanent vacation from Detroit
The Lions want to get out of Detroit not just because it's a sucky city. The Lions are 0-6 on the road this year. In fact, they have lost 26 straight games on the road. You read the right, 26 straight road losses. They haven't won a game away from Detroit since 2007. The last time the Lions won a road game George W was still president and Brett Favre still played for the Packers.
Minnesota Vikings - To push the reset button
The Vikings must just want to push the reset button on this whole season and start over again. Everything was in place for another title run. Then, Favre aged 100 years in th
e offseason, it came out that he sent a nudey pic on his cell phone to a female Jets' employee, the coach got fired, they had enough injuries to start their own hospital wing, the backup who finally replaced Favre is out for the season after one game, and now they may start a QB who has never played a down and was drafted to play receiver. Basically anything that could have gone wrong this year did. Favre must wish he never left the his retirement home.
Green Bay Packers - A new copy of Madden 2011 for Playstation 3
The Packers had one of the league's most potent offenses coming into the season with a young defense that could pressure the QB and force turnovers. Now, they've placed 13 players on season-ending IR including 9 defensive players, 4 just linebackers. Just last week QB Aaron Rodgers went down with a concussion and may not be ready for this week's game. Atleast if the team just played the season on the video game they could see how good their season could have been. And hopefully no one else will get hurt playing the video game.
Atlanta Falcons - To kick Pennsylvania out of the United States
If not for trips to Pittsburgh and Philadelphia, the Falcons would be undefeated and a serious threat to go undefeated for the season with 2 of their final 3 games against lowly Seattle and Cleveland. They want revenge on the Keystone state.
Carolina Panthers - Anything
The Panthers have only won 1 game all year, and have been outscored by 174 points on the season. At this point, they'll take anything for Christmas, even an ugly sweater.
Tampa Bay Bucs - A punching bag
The Bucs put up a surprisingly good fight this year. Most people didn't expect much from them, but they have stayed in the playoff hunt all season. Now it looks like their season will end with disappointment just short of the playoffs. They need the punching bag because last time their leading rusher LeGarrette Blount ended a year with this much disappointment things got out of hand.
New Orleans Saints - A new quarterback
Sounds crazy, right? I mean Drew Brees just won a Super Bowl and is one of the best QB
s in the league. Unfortunately, he was just given the top spot on the 2010 Best Mannered List. That's embarrassing for a football team. You know who else topped the list with him? Justin Beiber, Sandra Bullock, Taylor Swift, and future princess Kate Middleton, that's who. You can't have the leader of your team mention in the same sentence as those people. It's just embarrassing.
Houston Texans - Real-life importance placed on fantasy sports
If the NFL was based on fantasy football, the Texans would be Super Bowl contenders. They have a QB in top 5 in passing yards, a WR in the top 5 in receiving yards, and the leader in rushing yards. However, all the stats haven't seemed to help them as they've still lost 6 of their last 7 games.
Indianapolis Colts - The real Peyton Manning
Somewhere over the course of the season someone kidnapped the real Peyton Manning and replaced him with a lookalike who can't play football. Maybe the other Manning brother got tired of not getting any attention and switched places with Peyton. Maybe Peyton is really locked in the closet like that one commercial. Either way, whoever is actually playing has thrown 11 INTs in last 4 games. Someone needs to bring back the real Peyton. I'm sure the Colts will pay a hefty ransom.
Jacksonville Jaguars - Continued luck
The Jags are in 1st place in their division, and it makes no sense as to how. They're 8-5 but have been outscored by over 30 points on the year. They have not beaten a single team with a winning record. Not to mention, they won on the single luckiest play in the league this season. I'm not sure even they know how in the world they're in 1st place, but whatever luck they have going they want to keep.
Tennessee Titans - A win for Randy Moss
Back on November 3rd, the Titans got Moss. Since then, they've lost 5 straight games. Moss hasn't helped much as he's only had 5 catches in those 5 games. In fact, Randy hasn't won a game at all since October 17th. Well, the Titans haven't won a game at all since October 24th either. Either way, the Titans just want a win.
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