Signs of the Apocalypse in the Burgh?

What in the name of Art Rooney is going on in Pittsburgh this summer? The ancient Mayan civilization predicted the end of the world in 2012, and if they were correct the 1st signs of the end of the world as we know it are popping up in the Steel City.
Let’s start with the most obvious and most shocking signal that not all is right with the world. The Pittsburgh Pirates are in 1st place. That wasn’t a typo. The Pirates, who haven’t had a winning season since the first Bush Administration, are winning. The same Pirates who lost over 100 games last year are leading the division at the end of July for the first time since 1992. The last time the Pirates were in 1st place this late in the season gas was $1.13 a gallon and Sir-Mix-a-Lot’s “Baby Got Back” was the #1 song in the country. And obviously, the Pirates are doing this with the major’s 4th lowest payroll. Not to mention their starting left fielder (Jose Tabata), third baseman (Pedro Alvarez), shortstop (Ronny Cedeno), and catcher (Chris Snyder) have all been on the disabled list for weeks. Oh yeah, the backup first baseman (Steve Pearce), top reliever (Evan Meek), and starting pitcher (Ross Ohlendorf) have also spent considerable time injured. Oh, and besides the starting catcher, backup catcher Ryan Doumit got hurt along with 3 other catchers as the Pirates have started 7 different guys behind the plate. During this surge that has pushed them to the top of the standings, the Buccos are starting a catcher (Mike McKenry) who played 5 career games before this year, a shortstop who has never played in the majors (Chase D’Arnaud), and a third baseman who either has never played before (Josh Harrison) or one who was cut by another team already this year (Brandon Wood).
Despite all of this the Pirates have more wins than teams spending twice as much money on players that are supposed to be twice as good. The idea that the Pirates are winning doesn’t make sense for more reasons than the simple fact the Pirates never win. Even though they’re in 1st place, the Buccos are 23rd in the majors in runs scored, 22nd in batting average, and 24th in home runs. The pitching has been better, but they still are second-to-last in the league in strikeouts and are allowing opponents to hit a respectable .254. So of course, they’re leading the division. Only in a world that is about to end does any of this make sense.
Aside from the actual baseball, there are fans at PNC Park. Attendance is up about 3,600 people per game. They broke the single game attendance at PNC Park a couple times this year. Upper level tickets I used to buy in college for $6 were going for $40 on the streets when I went to a game last weekend. I guess you can’t blame the scalpers trying to make up for 18 years of not being able to sell tickets. Even more surprising than seeing a sold-out stadium is the recent statement of GM Neal Huntington that the Pirates are actually looking to add players at the trade deadline. Instead of trading their best players for cheaper players, the team has decided that they are willing to spend a little more to bring in a player. I’m confused.
As if the Pirates winning isn’t weird enough, the signs of the apocalypse in Pittsburgh don’t stop there. The Steelers, the franchise with the most Super Bowl wins in NFL history and long considered a model organization, have become a punch line. Big Ben’s suspect history with women led to chants of “She said no!” at the NFL Draft this spring. Tough man Hines Ward donned glitter, tight pants, and dance shoes while pirouetting his way to the Dancing with the Stars title. Didn’t do much for his tough guy image. And that wasn’t the most embarrassing thing Hines did this summer as he was arrested for DUI last week. Then James Harrison went off the deep end in a magazine article calling Commissioner Roger Goodell a “crook” and a “devil” and said if Goodell was on fire he wouldn't pee on him to put him out. He also called out teammates calling Rashard Mendenhall a “fumble machine” and ripping Big Ben’s play in the Super Bowl loss saying Ben needs to know he’s not Peyton Manning he just gets paid like him. Oh boy. Accompanying all this was a picture of Harrison shirtless holding two handguns. Classy. Let’s just say the Steelers image has taken a few James Harrison-like hits this summer. Interesting side note: Big Ben’s most recent and most serious run-in with the law happened in Georgia, Ward’s DUI happened in Georgia, and just today former Steelers star Kordell Stewart was arrested for speeding and driving with a suspended license in Georgia. I think it’s safe to say all current and former Steelers need to stay as far away from the Peach State as possible.
So to recap, the Pirates are the pride of Pittsburgh and no one wants to talk about the Steelers. What’s next? Primanti’s coming out with a low-cal menu? Iron City coming out with a mango beer? Wait, what? Iron City did come out with a mango beer. The Iron City brand loved by hard-nosed, no-nonsense steelworkers for generations has created a mango beer? Oh dear God. I think the Mayans had it right. The end times are coming, and the beginning of the end is starting in Pittsburgh. I’m taking the now construction-free Route 22 (the last and final sign) as far away as possible.